


Cycle

by tfwcapitalism



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Child Abuse, Destiny’s bounty, Mental Illness, Recovery, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Teacher AU, Uhhhhh idk what else to say, coles dad is an abusive dick, everyone laugh, gang shit, im taking my shit out on cole bc it’s funny, implied polyninja - Freeform, innit, it makes him sad, just like mine aaah, lol, the kids pick on him, wtf am i doin to these guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29273139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tfwcapitalism/pseuds/tfwcapitalism
Summary: Cole had to be a perfect performer then. He has to be a perfect performer now. Unfortunately, it just never was in his blood.
Relationships: Cole & Lloyd Garmadon & Kai & Nya & Jay Walker & Zane
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	Cycle

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for suicide attempt uhhh YEAH idk why i write this shit

Cole hated teaching. He loved educating his pupils, but he hating teaching.

Every time he walked into the classroom he got ridiculed, mocked, “Mr Cole is the worst”, etc. 

These kids were having fun, they were just kids, bad kids, and it was his job to calm them down. He wasn’t too good at it though; they’d always manage to affect him in some way, and the detentions he would provide only damaged his reputation with the children more, if it even could be any worse. 

The days he woke up feeling good were always the worst. He would stroll through the halls with a smile, greeting his pupils despite their rude comments. He’d give his select group of favourite co-teachers/ninjas a greeting hug, kiss them if he was in a REALLY good mood, with an air of confidence around him. ‘They’re just kids. I’m a ninja!’. Cole would be able to handle them today. 

It never ended up like that. He let himself be susceptible to attacks. 

“You been too lazy to grade our work, Sir?”

“Your outfit makes you look dumb.”

“Look, Mr Cole doesn’t even know what he’s doing!”

“He’s so boring, I bet everyone gets bored of him!”

And of course, fan favourite: “Mr Cole is the WORST.”

And he felt like the worst. 

The kids laughing as they joked at his disposal made him want to run to the bathroom stalls and lock himself in there until the day was over, just like he used to do when HE was a kid himself. Why was it always him that got mocked? He wasn’t that bad... He was a good teacher, he cared about the subjects, he was good at teaching the material? If it wasn’t his abilities that got him mocked, then what was it?

_ He was seven.  _

_ Backstage. _

_ He’d been given all 9s for his performance, and he was pleased. _

_ His mentor, however, couldn’t be further from it. _

_ “You really had to trip up, didn’t you, Cole?” _

_ “Dad, I nearly got a perfect score!” _

_ “27 is NOT a perfect score! At all! If the Royal Blacksmiths were given a 27 do you think it would be classed as a perfect score?” His father leaned into him, poking his chest with too much force. _

_ “I- it would still be good, right?” _

_ “Good isn’t... good enough!” The man huffed, rage in his eyes. “Months of training, and you still weren’t ready? God, I don’t know why I even bother with you.” _

_ “H-hey... I’m sure most people liked it, I got a big applause! I saw mom, she was.. she was smiling!” _

_ “She’s your mother, Cole, she’s SOFT,” He crossed his arms across his chest. “Your old man only wants the best for you, and I won’t just lie there and let you ruin your chances of greatness!” _

_ “I’m... I’m sorry, I really thought I did okay!” _

_ Cole’s father didn’t even reply. He marched out the door red-faced. Cole knew he would be going to sleep in tears tonight.  _

Maybe that was the start of him taking everything to heart... maybe because he was taught to do that. His dad always punished him for not learning from his “mistakes”, and it took a toll on him, both mentally and physically... and the worst part was that he never overcame it. He was only happy with himself when he succeeded. He would punish himself for failure. He would punish himself for hesitation, mistakes, and negative feedback. Usually, he didn’t even realise e was doing it: it was so embedded in his brain that it was normal that he was shocked when he joined the monastery and saw his fellow ninjas messing up and laughing about it. It was such a foreign sight... but after weeks passed, he realised that he could do it as well. He could drop or break something and clean it up with no guilt, no feelings of failure, and, God... it felt amazing. It felt like he’d been relieved of a weight even his super-strength couldn’t handle. He felt content.

But of course, that just couldn’t last, could it? They needed to work. They needed jobs. They needed to be the teachers of a new generation, which was something Cole really had been excited about.. until he was given the experience of it. 

That was when it all came back.

Not only did Cole feel responsible for himself, but he felt responsible for his students. His students that were the worst behaved in the entire goddamn school. 

“We wouldn’t be like this if you could actually teach us.” 

They were right. They were right, and meant every single word. 

He couldn’t even handle the most BASIC job: fucking babysitting was too hard for him- they were a class of eight year olds, and they made him feel like shit. It was at this time that his father’s position was beginning to be filled by the earth ninja’s own mind.

“You’re so pathetic, can’t you try any harder? You were expected to deal with all of this perfectly fine! What is WRONG with you?”

Sure, Jay, Kai, Zane, Lloyd and Nya were always there; the perfect group to confide in and comfort him, just as they had been for years... just... this time it didn’t really make him feel any better.

The cycle only continued, Cole failing, punishing himself, repeating, never learning from his mistakes, then punishing himself for that. 

What was the point in letting this continue? 

Nothing was going to change.

All he wanted was to end the never ending story of his failures, they were too hard to learn from and as hard as he tried, he just couldn’t change. He’d been pushing himself too hard for too long, and still hadn’t improved. His mind had just been rotting away for years, and he was tired. He was so fucking tired.

Jumping off the Bounty seemed like the only logical situation at the time. 

Falling through the air gave him the most amount of peace he could ever remember. 

The moment before he hit the water gave him the worst, most indescribable horror he would ever experience.

Followed by the ecstasy of waking up again.

Zane and Jay had been holding either one of his cold, calloused hands with tear-streaked faces. Everyone else ran in as soon as they called them. He couldn’t hear anything they were saying for a good 5 minutes, but could see how much they had been panicking... he’d worried them so bad, he really was just...

Somebody they cared about, huh?

There was a reason they had been waiting for him in the hospital for God knows how long: they wanted to be with him. They didn’t care about whatever stupid, rash decision he made, they were HAPPY he was there; as soon as silence turned into voices, he was sure of this. They only told him how much they missed him. There wasn’t a hint of malice in any sentence that came out of their mouths... it had always been like this. 

If Cole had been able to notice what care was, this might have never happened.

He hated his dad for everything he’d done to him. 

He wasn’t worthless, or pathetic.

He was going to break the cycle, even if it took years.

He was going to let himself be alright; no matter what happened, he knew DAMN FUCKING WELL he had something to live for.

And finally, he was showing his face again.

He chewed on the inside of his cheek before opening the door, the only barrier between his fragile self and the rowdy army behind it being knocked away.

“Good morning, kids.”


End file.
